The “self soothing” debate makes me think back to of the “old days” of psychology – when the behaviorists had full reign in the 1940s and 1950s. The names B.F. Skinner and John Watson probably ring a bell if you took Psychology 101 in college. The movement was driven by the idea that psychology can be simplified to behaviors and that you should not concern yourself with discussions about human consciousness or emotions. The idea that holding and cuddling your baby will “spoil” them or cause undesired dependence is an ideological remnant of this era of psychology. This myth continues to be passed along in our culture and unfortunately through some parenting literature written by so-called “experts” who do not have training in child development, psychology, or affective neuroscience. I believe most parents now know, as it is supported with science, that you cannot “spoil” a baby through affection. Regardless, there is still cultural pressure to create independence before children are developmentally mature through methods that advocate non-response to your child’s cries. If you stop responding to your child’s cries regularly and consistently they will stop attempting to communicate their needs to you. I define "response" as providing your presence and not necessarily trying "fix it" or terminate your child's emotions. You can learn more about this concept by reading about the work of Aletha Solter PhD, a developmental psychologist, and through the Resources for Infant Educators (RIE) philosophy created by Magda Gerber. The state of no longer reaching out for needs to be met is labeled “learned helplessness”. It is interesting to note that two of John Watson’s children later committed suicide as adults. They likely had much difficulty functioning as adults due to lack of affection and attunement during their formative years.
I do agree that self-soothing is a learned skill to some degree, but the brain pathways and “wiring” have to be in place. Humans come out of the womb very neurologically immature and pathways for soothing are not developed. In other words, by soothing your infant you develop the pathways for them to later soothe themselves. Young infants require external soothing by parents to maintain emotional homeostasis and cope with the stress of transitions. I often work on “self-soothing” techniques with clients suffering from debilitating depression and/or anxiety. These clients often have history of emotional and/or physical neglect. This neglect is not always as severe as you would imagine. For example, the insidious effects of chronic invalidation by parents or other caregivers. They are lacking some or all of the essential “wiring” that nurturing parents provide through their responsiveness to crying and distress.
This brings up the topic of scaffolding! Jerome Bruner, a cognitive psychologist, introduced this theory in the 1950s. He mostly spoke about the term scaffolding in relation language acquisition, but the theory can be applied to many developmental skills. Scaffolding is defined as a teaching strategy that limits complexities and then gradually removes those limits as learners gain the knowledge, skills, and confidence to cope and complete the task independently. A scaffold is described as a temporary framework that is put up for support and gradually diminished as the child is able to take on the task independently. How does this apply to the idea of “self-soothing”? How can you be open to and support your child efforts to soothe and calm themselves?
Soothing is a dance between each parent and child dyad. I do not believe there is a finite timeline for when a child “should” be able to self-soothe or not. Each child is an individual with its own temperament. Each parent has his or her own threshold for crying and amount of sleep required for daily functioning. I bed shared and nursed Genevieve back to sleep every one to three hours for the first eleven months of her life. (Disclaimer: This is my experience and the sleeping arrangement that I chose for my family and I am not implying that this is the only acceptable way or that this arrangement would be ideal for your family. I encourage families to be creative with their sleeping arrangements if they are not getting enough sleep while providing for their child nighttime needs. I think the best sleeping arrangement is one where the mother feels reasonably rested and the child can have their attachment and belongings needs met.) And yes, I did this while working full-time twelve-hour shifts on a crisis unit from the time she was four months old. I chose and accepted this arrangement. I attempted to limit some nursing sessions during the night when she was around ten months old. I remained present and observed her crying. Through the tone of her cry and body language she communicated to me clearly that she still needed the comfort of nursing throughout the night. One month later, I noticed she would often fall asleep next to me without nursing, but while having her back patted, at the beginning of the night. So I started trying to pat her during the night for every other nursing session. She would often arch her back and become angry initially, but I would tell her, “I know this is hard for you, but you can fall back to sleep without nursing. Sleepy sleep.” Often times she is asleep in five to ten minutes. I have now moved on from patting her back to just being present next to her as she falls asleep. I effectively used scaffolding to assist Genevieve in learning to fall asleep without nursing by soothing her to the point where she is almost asleep and then letting her take over from there. I believe in her ability to soothe herself while supported by my calming presence. I view her as capable within the confines of her developmental age. I have found this process to be very gentle and effective. Sleep deprivation is one of the biggest challenges of parenting and balance between baby’s need for comfort and mother’s need for sleep is always a priority.
